I think we have established that I am, in fact, the laziest blogger in the world. (Shut your trap, Taryn.) I feel so bad for neglecting my blog, but my current state of affairs – in other words, my laziness – has prevented me time and time again from sharing some really awesome stories with you people. That, and because Twitter has made it practically impossible for me to write anything longer than 140 characters.
Anyhoots, it is for that reason that I am now taking Guest Bloggers into my Haven of Snarkawesomesauce. There is so much talent out there on the interwebs, men and women who are experts on so many things – helpful or otherwise – and I figured, why not tap on their expertise?
The first of (hopefully) a fuckton of really amazaballs guest bloggers who will invade SnarkoBabble is the gayest man in the South. He is funny, snarky, he loves my boob pokes, and is also quite possibly the best hairdresser in Mississippi. If you’re not following him on Twitter yet, you would do well to get on it. Like right now. He also blogs here. I’m really lousy at doing introductions so I’m gonna stop babbling now and let him do the talking. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you – the uber-fabulous style savant, Eddie Outlaw.
It only takes your sex partner getting a “long and curly” caught in the molars once to quit going downtown.
Men of the world, the straight ones, nobody wants to see your afro down below. Yes, I said it. You know that judgmental glare you cast when something offensive crosses your line of sight? How many times have you winced when a hunting buddy mixes his camouflage patterns? I know, right! It’s ridiculous. So, imagine what your potential sex partner thinks when you reveal the privet you’re sporting in your tighty whities. I’m not trying to be hurtful, boys. We gays are taught about these things during our “conversion.” That and the mind-blowing “gay face.”
Look, your mother probably never thought to suggest it. I’m sure it never crossed your father’s mind. Let’s face it, if people took the time to teach their boys to keep their peckers clean, God probably wouldn’t have given circumcision the go ahead. Seriously, how hard can it be? Much simpler than keeping a vagina clean, I’d think, but that’s just me.
So, without further ado, here’s the long and short (pardon the pun) of grooming down under.
Never go at your bits without doing your homework.
The worst thing you can do is jump in without a plan. Look at yourself in a full-length mirror and really think about what will flatter your man weasel. As with hairstyles, not everyone can pull off a faux-hawk or a mullet. Conversely, not every crotch-style will work for you. Keep in mind the magic word: proportion. If you have a tiny penis, consider less pubic hair. If you’re well endowed, you should keep it simple and let the hammer make the statement.
Get some clippers.
Whether or not you decide to remove errant hair or create shapes, you should shorten the crop. It only takes your sex partner getting a “long and curly” caught in the molars once to quit going downtown. Forget what you’ve heard. Women won’t think you’re gay for keeping things up down there, any more than they’ll think you’re Jewish for having no foreskin. Just make a practice run on your leg hair before you take the hand-held bush hog to your privates. And, for god’s sake, be careful not to get your nut sack caught in the blades. I almost bled out that way once, well, thrice.
To shave or not to shave?
Going bare is a personal preference. If you feel good about it, then go for it. Keep in mind, though, that it usually only works for guys with zero percent body fat. Otherwise, you just end up looking like a really big toddler. You should, at the very least, shave the scrotum. If you decide to shave at all, remember to trim first. Use clippers with a guard to knock back your pubes, then you can shave. This extends the life of the razor. Speaking of razors, the cheapest will do fine if, and only if, you take your time. The last thing you want to do is shave off a nut.
Caution: Hot Wax
Some men prefer being waxed as it prevents annoying stubble, as well as dingleberrys. Women have extolled the virtues of a good clean up using wax for decades. I have, on occasion, experienced the benefits of this procedure, but be warned, it’s not for the faint of heart. What you’ve heard is true. It is painful, but only for an instant. Just have a stiff drink, man up and bite down on a leather strap. Never try to wax yourself, though. I did it once and almost ripped off my ass hole.
It’s not called manscaping for nothing.
Here’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. What straight guy doesn’t appreciate what curb-appeal can do for real estate’s value? Cutting back an overgrown yard makes the outdoor space seem more open, thus increasing the implied value, right? Similarly, knocking back the pubes will make your penis appear bigger. As will losing weight, but that’s another matter altogether.
